The Intentionally Emotive Podcast with Shaun Karim
Episode 14 - Why Do My Parents Hate Me?
In this episode, Shaun goes over the traits of a parent who seemingly hates you; not the one who is trying to build you up despite your misunderstanding. The parent, it appears, whose goal is to bring you down at any cost.
Why does this dynamic exist? Is there something you can do about it? What happens after?
Listen to learn and understand what the real issues are and what you can do to overcome them.
Additional Listening: Check out this episode where Shaun discusses the benefits of shadow work and how to get yourself into that life-changing space.
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How's it going, everybody? Welcome to the Intentionally Emotive Podcast with Shaun Karim, part of the Mental Health News Radio Network. New episodes are available every Wednesday on your favorite podcast platform.
If you want to leave a voice message about any topic or have a question to be featured in a future episode, go to www.shaunkarim.com and click the microphone icon on the bottom right of your screen.
You know, there’s a lot of information out there about narcissistic or toxic exes and parents. I think those are topics that are more relevant today than ever before as we continue to understand what being mindful is and eliminating negative aspects and people from our lives; but there’s something missing here that I want to start to close the loop on.
It’s good to identify the traits of people that have a negative impact on our lives, but that’s only half of it. The other half is doing the work on yourself when all of that is done, but what does that look like? What started it all? Why do they feel the way they do, and what can I do about it now? How do I even start?
These are the questions you may be asking yourself, particularly if it was your primary caregivers, your parents, who brought you up but seemingly were trying to sabotage you before you could even think about achieving anything in your life to begin with. I mean, what the hell is that about anyway?
So, with that, today’s topic is “Why Do My Parents Hate Me?”
Before we continue, I want to make clear that I’m not talking about the type of parents who are looking out for your best interest, and how that might misalign with what you want. That’s a normal dynamic as you grow into your teenage years.
Healthy parents are looking out for your best interest because it’s their responsibility to make sure that they keep you from harm and help you become whatever they and society thinks is a good person, and that can go well into early adulthood. Sure, you’ve had arguments and maybe some yelling matches, but none of that came from hate, so that’s out of scope here.
What I’m talking about is the parent who brought you into this world and then made you feel like you were never meant to be here. The parent who always tells you what to do because it’s either their way or the highway. The parent who knows more than you and always treats you like you’re a kid because they don’t respect you, even if you’re well into adulthood today. The parent who manipulates you, twists your words and memories around to suit their needs, who tells everyone behind your back about how shitty of a person you are, and never builds you up but always puts you down.
So their rules as your parents are different. They’re not there to assist you, teach you, and help you grow into a healthy human being. Instead, they’re unreasonable and unfair. They’re toxic. Narcissistic. Abusive. It’s the type of treatment where you’re left questioning yourself, like, “Why don’t they care about me?”, “What did I do wrong?”, “Why did they even have me?”
Their behavior towards you is truly harmful. How? The most obvious is physical abuse, but not only abuse against you. You regularly or even semi-regularly watching one abuse the other leaves an imprint on you that can never be erased. Is that how someone shows they love their significant other, their spouse? I spoke before about how, as children, we’re copy machines of our parents. So is that something they want you to take with you into your adult relationships? Is that the pattern they want you to repeat? Do they even understand what any of that means?
Maybe this is foreign to you; it certainly is to me–a healthy person when parenting their child listens to their child’s side of the story to have a complete picture of the situation. They do this so that they can consider their feelings in how they communicate whatever they need in a way that the child understands and receives what the parent is teaching. They do this even when the child is an adult, certainly less than when that child was much younger, but that never stops.
A parent who exhibits toxic behavior does the opposite. Instead of listening, the parent pretends to listen and then says whatever bullshit comes out of their mouths because they have a point to prove, not something to teach. They don’t consider your feelings. The consequences they put in front of you are detrimental to you no matter what you do because they have some sick, twisted need to punish you. Did you cry as a child when that happened? Good, because that’s what they wanted. Do you get pissed at them as an adult now? Good, because not only is that what they wanted, but they get the added benefit of being the “victim” in your relationship with them.
They call you names. They put you down. They use belittling and demeaning language against you. Why? Because they need to keep you down, diminish your self esteem, not allow you to reach the potential that you know deep inside you have, to confuse you, to have others turn against you. All of this suits their needs so they can fool everyone into thinking you’re a terrible person and they’re perfect in spite of how you turned out.
Excessive criticism is another. Not just criticism. EXCESSIVE criticism, because they can’t just punch you, they have to kick you and stomp on you when you’re down. Even if the criticism is unwarranted, it doesn’t matter. If you don’t do something they think you should do, or even if you do something they want, it’s never going to be good enough. It’s a goal post that keeps moving because it’s designed for you to never reach it.
Punishments that are so harsh that you might even be afraid of your own safety. It’s not just the yelling and screaming. It’s those temper tantrums where they smash and break things, slam doors where the whole room shakes, punch walls, and so on. The rage they display worries you; and you might even wonder what would happen if they were to unleash that on you physically, and so you try to find ways for that to never happen.
They’re not emotionally available. They’re emotionally unintelligent, but they probably think otherwise. It could be that no one is smarter than them, and so if you question their intellect, they come unglued. If you present something new to them that they don’t quickly understand, they diminish it because you can’t possibly know something that they don’t.
At the end of all of this, what’s left? After all of the abuse and punishment, you have a choice. You either repeat those stupid patterns that they tried to instill in you OR you become a good, healthy person coming out of that situation and be better off because of it. Is it easy? Hell no, of course not. Can it be done? Yes, and if you’re still here, if you’re still listening to this and you’re not sure–even if you’ve repeated some or all of that with your own children–I’m telling you it’s not too late.
I get it. You felt unloved, pissed off, irritated by what they did to you. You didn’t deserve to be in those circumstances. None of that is your fault.
You might be depressed. You may suffer from anxiety or some other mental health issue. All of that is understandable, and none of that is shameful. There is work for you to do, and there are professionals there who can help you through that. It’ll take time, but you will get there. There are seemingly an unlimited amount of resources; choose the one that best suits you, but also the one that makes you uncomfortable because it’s through that discomfort that you will unveil the things that harmed you so you can address them.
Your feelings are real, and you need to let them out. All of that anger, that rage, sadness, confusion. Let all of it out. Don’t let it sit inside you anymore. None of that belongs to you. Do you want to scream? OK, then scream. Do you want to cry? Fine, let those tears flow. You might feel like they’ll never stop, but they will.
There are attachment issues that may have developed. You can and should address them; otherwise, you’ll take them with you into every single relationship until you take care of the bullshit your parents put you through.
Acknowledge any of the bad traits you picked up from your parents; the ones that are harmful to you and others. That negativity doesn’t belong to you. You can release all of them over time. Each thing you let go of, you’ll feel a lightness inside of you that becomes addictive, and you’ll want to do this more and more as you continue to make progress.
Forgive yourself for any of the things that you might be ashamed of. Learn from those things, and teach those lessons to your kids if you have any. That doesn’t make you a hypocrite. You’re allowed to learn, to grow, to flourish. There is a goodness inside of you that is waiting for you to let it out. You just couldn’t hear it because of all of those distractions you’ve had for years. That voice wants to speak to you, and it wants to guide you to do something great in your life. Trust me on this one.
Embrace who you are. Not who they wanted you to be, but who you actually are. Maybe you’re quirky. Maybe you have interests that some people don’t care for. The music you listen to; the foods you enjoy; the activities that get you excited. Be all of that. Be misunderstood. Who cares? Let them judge; whatever. I’ll tell you who don’t care–the people in your life who belong, and the people who you will let into your life in the future. Drop the ones who don’t like or respect you. They don’t deserve to know you anyway.
All right, guys. Thanks for listening to the Intentionally Emotive Podcast with Shaun Karim. If you enjoyed this episode, don’t forget to spread the word on social media and check out www.shaunkarim.com.