The Intentionally Emotive Podcast with Shaun Karim
Episode 11 - I Miss My Narcissistic Ex
Shaun goes over why we feel like we miss the person who treated us unfairly, lied to us, abused us, and manipulated us into doing something they wanted us to do against our will. What is it that we miss? Why do we miss it? What can we do to change it?
Understanding the after-effects of an abusive relationship with a narcissist can be complex because it’s multi-faceted. Shaun breaks this down into detail so we can properly identify the issues and what we can do to acknowledge them and ultimately learn how to move past them.
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Hey everyone. Welcome to the Intentionally Emotive Podcast with Shaun Karim. New episodes are available every Wednesday on your favorite podcast platform.
Before we get started, I want to announce that this podcast is now part of the Mental Health News Radio Network, and I’m so happy and honored to be part of the team. Check them out at mhnrnetwork.com for more info.
Today’s topic is “I Miss My Narcissistic Ex”.
We’ve talked a bit about your former or existing narcissistic partner; their effects on you, how you carry that baggage with you, the reasons you fell for that person in the first place. One thing to understand is, even though you know all of the abuse you went through with them was not right, the love and care you gave them may make you feel like you should go back to them.
What if they changed? What if they want to change? Maybe they understand their faults and want to do something about it. All of that is wrong. This is part of the influence they’ve had on you. If you had more than one narcissistic partner in your life, then you need to recognize the patterns you’re repeating, and you are the only one who can break this cycle. That’s the reason you’re not in a relationship with them anymore.
There was deceit, betrayal, and manipulation in that relationship. There was never a friendship there. There never was any love, trust, acceptance, growth, joy, peace, comfort, and understanding.
That cycle that you were in? You broke it when you separated from your narcissistic ex. So what happens now? Do you feel bored? Lonely? I understand. I’ve been there, trust me, but let me tell you something: DO NOT let that boredom or loneliness send you back to the person who messed things up for you in the first place.
What do you miss?
Lies? Manipulation? Disrespect? The way they used you? Cheated on you? Messed with your head? Made you beg for scraps of love and attention? Gaslighting? Making you feel like you were crazy? They cannot self reflect; they cannot see the fault in their actions. It’s all your fault. Every argument was caused by you; you made everything an argument when you reacted to their abuse. You are the problem and they are the victim. That’s the way they see it.
There is a period of multiple levels of growth here that you need to understand. As difficult as it may be, you need to embrace your time of solitude. Accept that it’s going to be weird, lonely, and even painful at first. You can get through all of that. Then recall–and even relive, if you need to–all the bullshit that they hit you with.
The criticism they laid on you to make you think you weren’t good enough. The control they had over you because THAT’S WHAT THEY DO. The silent treatment they gave you as a form of punishment as a way to eventually have you agree to their ways and the status of your relationship with them.
The games they played with your mind and emotions because God forbid you figure out what they’re up to. Those false accusations that triggered you for holding on to those things that make you feel guilty from back in your childhood; and they accused you of doing something you didn’t do to bring up the shame and pain of being misunderstood.
The mask that they wore, at least part time, to trick you into thinking that somehow they would come around and things would be the way you knew they should be. All of the lies they told you so you wouldn’t figure out all of the shit they were up to that turned out to be so detrimental. That abandonment that you felt because they saw that you were no longer falling for their bullshit.
And at the end of all of this, remember, understand, and accept that they claim they did absolutely nothing to you! They’re telling everyone they know who has ears that they’re the victim; that you manipulated them; the lies they’re telling people to say that all of this happened because of you!
Meanwhile, in this period of isolation, you’re minding your own business and, believe it or not, are in the process of healing. You’ve been through so much, and no one will ever truly know all of it or what it did to you. The things that you experienced that not only brought you down to your core, but broke you.
This pain you’re feeling? That hurt? Not knowing what’s next? Wondering if anyone will ever like you; respect you; love you? Understand that they never, ever truly cared for you. They only pretended to care while they thought they could leech off you.
But you know what happens when you’re done with this? They’re exactly the same person they’ve always been. They’re that deceitful, manipulative, lying, slandering, controlling piece of shit who did you wrong. They robbed you of your time, your love, your kindness, your effort, your finances.
And you? What happens to you?
You are leveling up. All of what they did to you did break you, but you’re putting yourself back together not to be the person you were, but you’re building yourself into someone stronger. The person you’re transforming into today is not someone that the person you were six months ago, a year ago, would recognize. That old you would probably even be intimidated by the new you because you’re turning into someone who is awesome.
We all get judged by people, rightfully or not; but the next time someone judges you for the little pieces of information they think they gathered from you that has the bias of the lens they’re looking at the world though is not something you will have time for or tolerate any longer.
As difficult as it might be to believe this right now, one day you’re going to look back at this stage of your life and you’re going to see what you’ve overcome, and you will have the strength and self love to be proud of yourself; proud of the person you are now. Your narcissistic ex put you in a state where you constantly had to prove yourself to them. You’re going to understand how corrupt this was, and you’ll accept that you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone except yourself.
The right person won’t ask you to prove yourself to them because you will show up for them, and they for you, in a way that is genuine and authentic; and you both will see each other in a way that that narcissistic ex does not have the strength, wisdom, or fortitude to duplicate.
So you miss your narcissistic ex and you’re wondering why, after all this time, they’re not speaking to you? I’m going to tell you a secret about that. The reason they’re not speaking to you is because they owe you an apology. They have to apologize, and verbally say and mean the words “I’m sorry” for all of what they did to you, but that day will never come because they’re looking for their next victim.
You don’t need THEIR apology. What you need is to forgive yourself for not reacting to the negative patterns you saw but thought you could change. Be gentle with yourself for trying to love someone who didn’t deserve it. Don’t be upset with yourself for not loving yourself the way you deserve.
Some day, as you’re sitting in your car, you’re going to stop looking in that small rearview mirror and remind yourself of all the times you got screwed over–because you’re not that person anymore. What you’re going to do instead is look through this large windshield and look forward to your future.
All right, guys. Thanks for listening to the Intentionally Emotive Podcast with Shaun Karim. Don’t forget to subscribe on your preferred podcast platform and check out www.shaunkarim.com.